Launch Procedure
Just back from possibly my last morning walk on Takapuna Beach.
Sitting,chilly but pleased in the stylish worldly ," Little and Friday" cafe loaded with baked delights far to precious and threatening for me to consider buying/eating . Like being in a gorgeous gallery with the option to buy priceless paintings.Im finished my second slightly unsatisfying " long black" coffee( just too damn small )
And I am engaged in my perpetual inner conflict,this debate focusing on the scene back aboard Rhythm; new darling crew; Kelly and John . David who doesn't check his phone for texts ( so,does he want me to hurry back?!) and who endured an evening with me- being reactive,feeding the angry wolf ( some native American elder used this symbol and Rick Hanson explains it as being our innate reaction to a feeling of being threatened )
I've been listening to Rick Hanson on sounds true ,about the relation between the mind the brain and specifically the effect that meditating has on our happiness.Just from my own experience recently with doing a three week detox ,I can also see the very powerful effect on mood and mind when tweaking the food and drink and generally taking mindful care of oneself .Meditating,exercising and now I realize,having a sense of being in a safe place; meaning,non threatening,a place that encourages creative freedom of expression- room to move. Rewind to witness the big picture,the experience of being on this journey aboard Rhythm. Just the present shift in the dynamics with Olivia leaving ,John and Kelly arriving,David back from his trip home and both of us back from our reunion in San Fran.Then there is the small detail of all of us preparing for our departure,the launch procedure.All to be a witness to,to be mindful of a shift.
The inner conflict has the ultimate intention for me to find a place of balance,full spectrum health and that lifelong and agonizing longing for meritorious belonging..( being worthy of love ) To do the right thing,to do what I should do ,to be a good girl.Checking in,does this feel right to me?Is it to be approved of by those I live with!?
So,this morning,the two sides: am I being irresponsible; bad for taking off on a walk before anyone stirred,then sneaking in here,a coffee shop to write? Shouldn't I be back there making breakfast,writing lists,managing Kelly and the ships stores,lists ,lists....Or; is this perfectly respectable; good,to take some time and find a space to write down words to express thoughts so jumbled and caught in my own minds trap?
The thought of being on the boat right now gives me an anxious pain in the gut.As often on both this sailing journey,and my life's journey,I want to run,to escape,to be alone..fancifully to be free to be liberated from the binds of managing my reactions to the vibes of those I live with.
Man,oh man,they are playing The Beatles off the hook here,initially it felt hip,in cohesive company with the tides of customers flowing in and out ,now it catalyses a mixed bag of memories and feelings ..
I feel like the proverbial expat. in Paris,sitting in a corner with that spacial awareness of the stage flowing around me;music,voices ,smells:perfume,fuel,a hot pie that retrieved a St Clements meat pie -day memory( disturbing) ..more perfume,cool air from outside ,from above and behind me landing on the back of my neck-warmth from a portable space heater. Visually the styles and faces depict a NewZealand that has passed me by. I haven't had a very rich cultural experience,sticking close to our marina home and venturing out daily on one of two directions; the beach or the Devonport hill.There I see the deep intense greens,the powerful blue,the colorful flowers,hear the birds and feel the clean fresh air. And never at rest,my inner conflict debates.It is at its most benign usually on these daily walks,therefore the imminent realization that I will soon be on a boat sailing in the middle of the blue with my skipper and husband and a crew couple I highly respect and enjoy ,leaves me on another of many edges. At this edge,I feel excited,vulnerable,overwhelmed, threatened and anticipatory.
I'd better get back
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